A YOGI CHA BLOG
Where does it hurt?
Hi, I’m Charlotte (Yogi Cha). I’m a yoga teacher based in Bali, with a masters degree in psychology.
She sat down in front of me, frustration and despair in her eyes. Can you make it go away? Can you make it stop?
“Where does it hurt?”
I think its coming from my belly. Its a underlying pain. It weakens me.
“What does it tell you?”
That I’m stuck. That I’m not in control. That my compass is turning without finding its north.
Nothing seems to make sense and I don’t enjoy doing anything.
There are good thoughts coming in, then negative ones. I push the negative away by telling myself that they wont do any good. I try to meditate but it makes me even more frustrated.
“So what if you just sit with the frustration. What is the worst thing that could happen?”
That I die. Well, I know I wont actually die but there’s a panic growing inside of me when I do. So then I think, maybe I just need to sleep. To nap. So I try that, I use guided meditations to float more with ease into the relaxation and when I’m done, usually I feel better. But it doesn’t take it away. It then comes back. As soon as I feel that I don’t really have something to do. Or I might have something to do but it doesn’t motivate me.
So it all seems pointless.
I feel alone. I feel isolated and worst of all, even if I reach out, I feel isolated. Im ashamed of my agony and don’t want to bother other people. Too worried about putting the weight on them and giving an impression of being clueless, lost, difficult.
I thought I knew what I wanted in life but it seems as though I’m lost again. I thought I had come further than I actually have because here I am, feeling stuck. As if nothing has changed and I’m still going in circles.
I understand that it is my current perception, it is the reality that I have chosen to accept in this moment. But what if that is ACTUALLY true?
Yet, I have the feeling that everyone around me is wrong. That no one seems to have the answer. I know it sounds presumptuous of me but I keep thinking of who could take me out of this mess and no one seems to be the one. Except for you.
I can reach as much as I want around me but the only one that can really find a solution to my problem is you.
“I can only help you when you allow for me to do so. You think that you are, but really, you are not. You need to surrender to the knowledge that I have about you and about life. Can you do that?”
But I don’t understand your words. Im too eager to understand and I feel like I have no more time left.
“Well maybe that is life. The time that you have left and what you do with it. So try to step away from the agony of feeling stuck, of not finding the answer to your pain so that you can use your life wisely in order to turn it around.”
Step by step. Breath by breath.
“Lets start with meditating on the feeling. On the pain. Can you sit or lay with it and just let it be. Try to not find distractions with thoughts or sensations. Just be with the feeling. For 20 minutes. Can we try?”
We can try, but I’m not convinced. Would the answer appear to me like by magic because I’m sitting still with the discomfort?
“This, what you’re feeling. Is it the first time?”
No, I’ve been here a million times. That is what makes it even more frustrating.
“no matter where you were or what your life situation looked like, the feeling comes back?”
“Then we can establish that it isn’t something from the outside world that is causing this. What is the one thing that you always have in these moments? Is it your mind?”
“So it’s the thoughts that creates this state. Then we need to approach them. It is the source of the state you are in. Can you try to image them as messages from yourself to integrate something that needs to be brought to the surface? As if there was something that kept poking even though you try to escape it by keeping yourself busy.”
I guess. What do you know anyway?
“Why did you turn to me?”
Because you are my last option. I have no one else. I am on my own.
“So if I’m the only one you have, maybe go with what I’m saying. Give it a fair try. What have you got to loose? You have no one else or you have tried everyone else but no one seem to have the solution for you.”
You will never get anywhere by trying to suppress the feeling. You will not heal or magically change by resisting what you are. You need to break through it. The only way out is in.
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